


With all my heart

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Fluff, Love, alternative universe, letters au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-09 15:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5545385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke is in love and so is Lexa, they have been dating since sophomore year of college and through every up and down they have stuck together. Around the time of their fifth anniversary Lexa is sent on a project for Heda Industries. Clarke is unable to go with her, so they have to spend over a month apart. However, Clarke makes sure that Lexa has some of her with her.</p><p>Or,</p><p>the 40 letters Clarke writes Lexa to make sure that she knows that Lexa´s never far from Clarke's thoughts</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letter 1

The news comes like an unwanted surprise. Well. Perhaps not entirely unwanted, but with bad timing.

Her supervisor Anya Drake made the offer, most definitely as one of the many tests she has put Lexa through throughout the years. Maybe she expected Lexa to turn her down on the spot. Or maybe the opposite. The look on her face when Lexa told her that she needed some time to decide was one Lexa hadn't seen before. If it was one of her tests, Lexa might just have ducked it. Big time. Or simply put off the deciding for now. Nonetheless Anya was taken aback by her response.

She should have seen it coming, really. It's been months since the last time she was ‘tested’, since Anya threw her one of her many curveballs and made her put work before everything else. Before _Clarke_. Taking on the job meant accepting what her parents built up during their many and long years and ultimately getting the experience she would need to take over Heda Industries. Once upon a time taking over her parents company, accepting her legacy was all Lexa thought she wanted. 

Of course that was before she meet Clarke.

Lexa comes home that afternoon with a tightness to her stomach. The apartment smells of herbs and red wine. She finds the blonde in the kitchen, humming on a melody Lexa recognizes but can't place, dancing as she makes her way from the counter over to the stove. Lexa stops in the doorway, stunned by the simplicity of their life and the overwhelming feeling of home. The tightness quickly fades, but in its place a stinging pain remains. A sigh escapes her lips and it's loud enough to wake the blonde from her own little bubble.

Blue eyes jerk up to meet Lexa's green ones and her mouth forms a weak smile.

"Have you been standing there long?", Clarke asks as she puts down the knife on the chopping board.

Lexa shrugs her shoulders.

The warmth that spreads through her body when Clarke's cheeks flush red strengthens that smile still lingering on her lips.

"I thought you'd be at the gallery".

"I finished early", Clarke replies as she turns back around to the stove. "So I need something new to sketch. What do you say, my muse? I can draw you like one of my French girls".

Lexa scoffs as her lips pull up into a smirk. "Immortalizing me on a canvas? I thought the last time taught you that that's not a good idea", Lexa answers and the memory makes both of their eyes flash dark with lust for a moment. With all right. That night was certainly one to remember.

"I promise to keep my hands to myself this time", Clarke says and Lexa´s eyebrow hitches in disbelief. She knows better than to believe in such a promise. More so, she knows better than make one herself.

"I don't", she murmurs in response. Clarke chuckles quietly as she stirs in the pan. Lexa feels the effects of that laughter as vibrations moving through her abdomen. Her face falls though, rather quickly as her mind drifts back to the reason behind the ache in her stomach and what´s to come. Or rather, that she doesn't know what to anticipate.

When the blonde looks up from the stove, blue eyes shaded by the memory of wandering hands and trembling lips, a frown forms on her face.

"What are you thinking of?".

"Nothing", Lexa answers as she shakes her head in an attempt to get herself out of her own head.

She leaves her spot at the door and makes her way over to the kitchen table, pulls out a chair and slides down onto it. It's true - she's not thinking of anything. Her head is filled with one big void, the normal consequence of finishing another 60 hours work week. She knows she has to tell Clarke, rather sooner than later, about the offer and all that comes with it. All of what she could gain from taking it. About the time they would have to be apart. 

Lexa shakes her head once again and afterwards her shoulders fall down a little, almost as if every ounce of air as been drawn out of her lungs. It´s stupid, she knows this, but the fear never leaves her side. The fear of pushing too hard for the wrong thing, for what will break the only right thing in her life. The fear of becoming yet another example of that relationships and ambition don't blend well together.

"Lexa", comes Clarke´s reply, voice warning, but Lexa´s name still rolls of her tongue like the prayer Lexa remembers it always has been. The blonde comes to sit down on the other chair, but first she pulls it closer, close enough for their thighs to touch. "Spit it out".

Lexa exhales and lets her eyes close as she breathes in again, but opens them as she answers, "I got a job offer".

There are no reasons to keep it in, not when Clarke has already picked up all the signs and clearly put them together. Clarke´s still for a second, then her hands reach out to grab onto Lexa´s. Joy written all over her face, eyes bright with pure happiness. 

"That's amazing!". 

Lexa nods absently. "Yeah, it is".

"Then why do you look so… miserable?", Clarke asks with laughter filling up the words even though her blue eyes tell Lexa that she already understands, understands but doesn't know.

So Lexa tells her. All of it.

They spend the rest of the night not talking. At least not with spoken words. Clarke paints 'I love you' with red over Lexa's stomach, 'go' with blue on both of her wrists and 'you are mine, I am yours" along Lexa's side. Lexa's breath is shaky as she finally breaks the silence by whispering Clarke's name, over and over again until neither of them have any energy left to keep their eyes open.

//

Clarke stops with a heavy exhale and Lexa´s eyes drop to the floor. They might have known that this day would come, even counted down to it, but standing here is a lot different than just thinking of it. Lexa takes a deep breath and lifts her gaze back up to meet Clarke´s blue eyes. The beating heart in her chest picks up its pace for that split second of the moment when their eyes meet. Clarke´s lips pull up into a gentle smile, almost as if she knows what just made the hair on the back of Lexa´s neck stand. She then lets her eyes fall from Lexa´s as she reaches down into her bag and pulls out a package.

"Here".

Lexa´s eyebrows hitch in surprise as Clarke hands her the package. "What is this?", she asks and Clarke shrugs her shoulders, lips pulling up once again in a gentle smile.

"You. Me. _Us_ ", she says and Lexa´s lips imitate the blonde's as she turns the package in her hands. "You'll see. No no-". Clarke quickly reaches out and places her hand on Lexa´s trying to rip open the wrapping paper. Lexa pouts and Clarke shakes her head slightly, but takes a step closer instead and reaches up with her free hand to pull back a strand of hair that had fallen down over Lexa´s face. As she fastens it behind Lexa´s ear she says, "you're not allowed to open it until you're at the hotel".

"Clarke Griffin", Lexa protests and the blonde's eyes are warm and buzzing when they meet hers.

"Alexandria Eleanor Woods". Lexa huffs at her middle name. It's one of the only things her father gave her - a name passed down through generations. And also one of the only things that doesn't bother her as much anymore. 

She mumbles silently that Clarke's beautiful, and incredibly silly. 

Clarke only nods and then takes a step closer, takes the package out of Lexa´s hand, reaches for her handbag and lets the package slide in before placing her hands back into Lexa´s. Now without something between them. "You are too", the blonde tells her followed by a light and soft kiss. It only last for that second and then they are standing, leaning against each other, forehead to forehead, breathing in each other's breaths. Lexa hopes that the gods will give them another few minutes, for this moment to last and hopefully fill them with enough strength to last the distance. "And I'm going to miss you", the other girl whispers ever so quietly and Lexa hums in response when Clarke tilts her head to the side, blue eyes looking into her green ones.

"I am going to miss you, too", she tells her and connects their lips again. The kiss last longer, is filled with more of those unsaid words and supposed emotions. We can do this, she has to remind herself as she reaches up to cup the blonde one's neck. We can do this. When they pull away another hum rolls off her tongue and she scoffs. "A lot".

Clarke's lips pull up into an understanding smile and she leans in again, but this time they are interrupted by the speakers.

_"Last call for the flight to Houston, Texas. Last call for the flight to Houston, Texas, at gate 13"._

Lexa sighs and leans back, her eyes scan through the crowd - the line through security is practically non-existent. Still, her gate is far from close so she'll have to hurry to get there on time. But. She can't get herself to leave the blonde's embrace and the other girl seem to be just as eager to let her go.

"You are going to make me miss my flight", Lexa says after checking her watch.

"I don't see you doing anything about it", the blonde responds and tugs at Lexa's jacket, pulling her closer and eliminating the space between them. Those blue eyes are filled with love and aching sadness, but they don't linger on Lexa's gaze and Lexa won't force them to meet her. She feels just as torn. "See you soon, okay?", Clarke asks and Lexa's lips form a pout before smoothing out. Her hand travels down to the blonde's chin and eases her head up, eyes still not meeting hers, her thumb stroking gently circuses against Clarke's jaw.

"See you soon".

Clarke's lips are trembling when Lexa presses one last kiss to them, but tears are nowhere to be seen in those blue wonders. When she turns away to get her bag and jacket, she can feel the lump in her throat and the way it makes her muscles tense up. She goes through Security without looking back, even though her instinct tells her that she wants, no _needs_ , to see those blue eyes one more time.

They have never been good at goodbyes.

We can do this, Lexa tells herself as she picks up her phone from the tray and slides it into her pocket again. Clarke's standing on the other side of the glass wall, arms crossed uneasy over her chest, eyes slightly darker than Lexa would want them to be. She offers the blonde one last smile before turning around the corner and disappearing out of her view.

We can do this.

//

The flight is long and excruciating. Lexa might be a patient soul, but spending six hours listening to a shrieking baby can break even her patience. She arrives at Seattle- Tacoma International Airport with a banging headache. She sends a text to Clarke to let her know that the flight went fine. Lexa can see the look on Clarke´s face as if the blonde stood right in front of her, how she holds back laughter at the sight of the word _fine_. It would be more accurate to say that everyone on the flight arrived in one piece and alive.

Outside a black car is parked with the driver leaning against the hood, in his hands he holds a small sign with _Woods_ written on it with big green letters. He´s quiet but drives with the radio on, he even turns the volume up when she unintentionally mumbles along to an old U2 song she doesn't even know the name of but has had to listen to for years thanks to Lincoln and his poor taste in music. At least she'll always stand by the fact that it is a poor taste in music, even though U2 especially has grown on her. The driver takes her straight to headquarters where a very large man who introduces himself as Gustus meets her, he wastes no time greeting her with a big welcome or tour around the place, instead he escorts her to the conference room where he claims she´ll will be brought up to speed.

Speed is however one thing the department is lacking. 

Lexa walks out of the building three hours later, tension in her shoulders from the headache, with a sense of sleep deprivation tensing up her muscles and high on too much caffeine. Even though she doesn't think it, at least not hard enough to notice it, the thought of coming back the next day makes her chest tighten.

Anya set Lexa up with a one bedroom apartment, owned by Heda Industries, five minutes away. The walk there is windy and with the hint of rain in the air. As Lexa pushes the door open, one hand holding her bag, walking in back first as she sends a very short and direct email to Anya letting her know that she's setting up tomorrow. She doesn't mention the inefficiency she just witnessed, knowing that she would have to spend the rest of the evening and probably the whole night on the phone with her going through the necessary changes. Changes she's already scribbled down in her notebook on the way out of the conference room. 

The apartment is clean and elegant. Although Lexa catches the vague smell of fresh paint in the air, which confirms her speculation that this is one of the many buildings Heda Industries has bought and renovated in the last three months. A very rushed renovation, she thinks for herself as she locks up before heading towards the bedroom. The room is empty apart from a bed, dresser, nightstand and desk. All in white. Naked. Cold. Tolerable, she decides and sigh tiredly. She throws the bag on top of the bed before following it herself as she lands with her back on it with a slow exhale. It´s too late to call Clarke, even though the only thing she wants right now is to hear her voice.

Ten minutes pass with her just laying there with her eyes closed, hands clasped over her stomach as she tries to breathe the headache away. It doesn´t work. So with a groan she sits up and drags the bag into her lap, she zips it open and empties it next to her. After unpacking she leaves the bag in the back of the wardrobe. The only thing left to do is to check her schedule for tomorrow, because that was the one thing Gustus didn't mention, meaning that it hasn't changed since she got it yesterday. She walks back out to the hall and grabs her handbag, only it's heavier than expected and when she reaches down into it her hand bumps against something bigger than her calendar, something she doesn't quite recognize. As she pulls it out she realizes what it is - the package. Clarke´s package. Lexa turns it over in her hands, legs moving almost automatically towards the small kitchen table, she places the bag on the table before sliding down into one of the two chairs. She remembers what Clarke told her, to wait until she was at the hotel, and well even though she technically wasn't staying at a hotel… Lexa rips up the wrapping in two smooth motions, her eyes widen in surprise when she's sitting there with a stack of letters. 

She reads through the envelops, they are all marked by number. There are 40 letters in total. The first one is marked simply with _Letter 1_.

"Clarke", Lexa breathes the name with a tender smile on her lips, tears forming in her eyes at the sight of the neat handwriting. Before the first tear breaks through her guard she opens the letter with careful hands.

\-----

_Hi babe.  
I hope you like your little gift. I guess I got some explaining to do. You know how I have always said that I am a romantic, but I have never really shown it? Well, I decided it was time to change that. So when you told me about this project and that you would have to move to Seattle, I got this idea. Yes, I told your brother and you should have seen the look on his face. I think he is still jealous over the fact that he did not come up with it himself, and he is supposed to be the biggest romantic of them all. Anyway, I wanted to give you something. So here you have 40 letters, one for each day we will be apart. You are not allowed to read ahead, so keep those gorgeous hands to yourself after you have read the letter of the day. Understood? Great! Well now, I have numbered each letter so you cannot mix them up and since this is the first letter I would like to bring you back to the beginning. Do not roll your eyes, Lexa, I know for a fact that you know exactly what I am thinking of..._

_//_

_“Babe are you ready?”._

_Lexa peaks out of the bedroom, fingers busy buttoning the last button of her shirt. Costia´s sitting on the bed with an old Elle magazine open in her lap, her hand comes up in that familiar motion to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. Lexa´s heart swells at the sight, at the perfection of this insignificant moment. She steps into the room and attracts Costia´s hazel brown gaze._

_“How long have you been standing there”, she laughs and Lexa shrugs her shoulders. Costia eyes her up and down before placing the magazine beside her on the bedcovers. “You look gorgeous”._

_“Thank you”. Cheeks blushing ever so slightly at the compliment Lexa takes another step forward, hands reaching down into her back pockets. Costia stands and runs her hands down her dress to smoothen out the fabric, she looks stunning in that ruby red colour, her hair has been straightened and around her neck hangs that heart locket in gold that Lexa gave her for her birthday. She's a vision of beauty. “You do too”._

_Her smile is teasing and soft, but her eyes piercing with something warmer and deeper. It's always end been like that, like Costia looks at the world through eyes that have seen more than they let on, like she's an old soul with a depth to her mind that Lexa will never reach. That was one of the things that intrigued Lexa in the first place._

_“So you're ready?”, the other girl asks once again._

_Lexa grunts and shakes her head. “I still don't get why we're doing this”._

_A bubbling laughter rolls off of Costia´s tongue, causing shivers to run down Lexa´s arms and through her fingers. Another step and Costia´s standing close, hands running up Lexa´s bare arms, connecting behind Lexa´s neck. Lexa´s eyes flicker down to those, still smiling, lips and Costia licks them at the sight. “We're doing this because you need to socialize. Meet people. Get some friends or something”._

_“I have you”, Lexa whispers and once again Costia laughs, putting an even bigger smile on Lexa´s face._

_“Lexa, I'm leaving in a two days”. Lexa scrunches up her face. “You'll thank me later”, Costia tells her and brushes her lips against Lexa´s._

_“You´re the worst”, Lexa replies, lips brushing lightly against the other girl´s. Her lips taste ever so slightly of cinnamon and Lexa hums into the kiss Costia pulls her into. It's soft and gentle, far from as deep as Lexa wants it to be but just as promising as that look in Costia´s eyes. “Well let's go then before I change my mind”, she murmurs and steps back._

_Costia nods with a grin on her face, reaching out to lace their fingers together._

_\--_

_The bar is packed beyond overcrowded. Probably exactly what to expect during frosh week. Still, it seems like the whole class has found its way to this particular bar at the east end of campus. Lexa can't for the life of her understand why someone would name a bar The A.R.K, but it's in that the one she finds herself in. Costia smiles triumphantly at her side, overjoyed that she managed to drag Lexa out of her small one room apartment in which they've been hiding out for the week. It might have been introduction week, but Lexa has never been much for introductions unless they are necessary and she found nothing of this week’s agenda necessary. Which of course is the reason why Costia insisted on staying a few extra days, making sure that Lexa attended every single event during the week, unwavering, even though Lexa rolled her eyes and scoffed, she even tried to bribe Costia with soft kisses and sweet words but without success._

_It's all thanks to the girl with hazel brown eyes and mesmerizing smile that Lexa finds herself in the middle of it all. She reluctantly lets go off Costia’s hand to go buy something for them to drink, settled on not subjecting herself to all this fuss sober._

_She forces her way through the bodies shoulder first, pushing and pulling until she can place both hands steadily on the bar counter. When she turns her head back around to try and lay eyes on Costia, she finds her girlfriend already enamoured in a conversation with a redheaded girl. Lexa´s lips quirk into a smile at the sight, she should have guessed that Costia would find someone to pour all her enthusiasm over within the first minutest of them arriving to the scene. Still, the smile has more to do with the joy she feels running through her body at the sight of the beautiful woman she has the absolute honour to call her girlfriend._

_“What can I get you, honey?”._

_Lexa whips her head back and lays eyes on a man with stubble beard and long black hair. His eyes are kind when they meet hers and she smiles politely as she leans in over the counter._

_“A beer and a whisky sour”, she shouts over the music and the guy nods back at her._

_“Coming right up”._

_Stepping back on her heels she knocks into the person to her right and immediately try and angle her body out of their way._

_“Excuse me”, she lets out and looks up at a guy with big eyes, dark frizzy hair and irritation written all over his face._

_“Yes excuse you, you're practically standing on me”._

_Lexa scoffs and wets her lips before replying, “I believe I was already standing here when you decided to invade my personal space”._

_“If you say so”, comes the answer from the irritating young man. She gives him a last look, he appears to be in her age or perhaps a few years younger, the tension seems to be anchored in those dark eyes of his and he grips tightly to the counter. Once again Lexa asks herself why she agreed to this when Costia and she could have spent the night drinking in bed and ruining their commentary of the next season of Friends. And just like the times before she's reminded of the reason why - that girl could make her do practically anything._

_The bartender returns and slides a bottle of beer and a glass over the counter. “Here you go”, he says and Lexa puts the glass to her lips and takes a sip. She hums as the taste citrus fills her mouth._

_Perfect, she thinks to herself and slips her other hand her back pocket for her wallet. There's just a few things in life that can drive her girlfriend completely mad, one of them being a poorly mixed whiskey sour._

_The bartender just have caught the satisfied look on her face, because he smiles much more distinctly when she reaches over the counter to hand him the money._

_“Keep the change. Crap!”._

_She jumps out of the way but it's far too late and soon enough she feels the wetness spreading down her leg. She puts the glass back on the counter alongside the now half empty bottle of beer, all while the guy next to her huffs and puffs like his life depended on it._

_“Are you for real?!”, he yells and runs his hands over his t-shirt as in an attempt to dry it. “Are you blind or something?!”. Lexa shakes her head and reaches back down her pocket, ready to order a new beer and get something to wipe her hands on, only to feel herself being pushed up against the counter. Her jaw locks and she fixes her eyes on the young man’s whose face is much closer than before and increasingly so too._

_“Get out of my face”, she warns as she pulls out her hand out if her pocket, both hands turning automatically into fists at the sudden change of tension in the air._

_The guy steps closer, his face now only inches from hers and hisses, “or what”._

_Lexa thinks about it for a second, whether or not it would be worth it to break her hand on this loser's face, or if she should just knock the air out of him and get it over and done with. She hasn't been in a good fight for a while, although this guy seems to be far too drunk to put on much of one. She could just call over the bartender and get out of the situation that way. But. She really just want to shut this idiot up. She doesn't have time to decide though, because out of nowhere Lexa watches as someone lays a hand on the guy's shoulder and then steps into her periphery._

_The girl has blonde hair. That is all Lexa can make out, because her whole world has borrowed to the brown eyes filled with rage._

_“Hey you, what's going on?”._

_“This bitch soaked me!”._

_“If I'd wanted to waste my drink on you I would have aimed for your face”, Lexa’s quick to answer and the next moment the guys has her pushed almost completely up on the counter with his hands on her upper arms._

_“Are you kidding me?!”, he yells in her face and she steels herself, she's taken more than a few hits before and even though she knows it's better to relax she never remembers in the heat of the moment._

_“Finn, take it easy-”, the blonde tries and as she does Lexa takes the opportunity and pushes back, shoving the guy off of her and positioning herself with some leverage against the counter. Hands ready to guard her face if she'd have to._

_“Fuck you!”, the guy replies and Lexa can't help but laugh at his words._

_“You´re not my type”._

_In the sudden humour of it all Lexa relaxes and her view changes, it's no longer centred at the guy in front of her and so she takes in what's around them once again. The blonde's eyes find Lexa's and it's the first time Lexa notices that they are blue and deep as oceans, and just as difficult to look away from. So she doesn't. But after another couple of seconds the blonde breaks eye contact. The blonde's gaze travels back quickly to where it was focused at the guy's tense jaw. But as the girl’s hand grips more tightly over his shoulder, forcing him to turn ever so slightly towards her and away from Lexa, a mesmerizing smile finds its way to the blonde's lips and fills them up. “What, is your type stone-cold and clumsy like you?”, she asks and Lexa is taken aback by the question._

_“Only on Mondays”, Costia voice comes as an answer and Lexa draws for a new breath. Costia's hand slips into hers, Lexa's now relaxed and open. Costa has that effect on her body even though her mind takes another few seconds to catch up. The other one of Costia’s hands stories up and down the small of Lexa's back before pressing comforting against the spot just above the waistband of Lexa's pants. “You alright, babe?”._

_“Yeah, I´m fine”._

_Lexa laces their fingers together, breathes out the remains of the rage when Costia strokes her thumb over Lexa's, but not without keeping her eyes on the girl with the unfortunate choice of date. The blonde watches them quietly for a moment, hand working at the guy's shoulder until she can turn him fully towards herself._

_“Come on, Finn, let´s clean you up”, she lets out and Lexa catches the relief flashing over her blue eyes. They observe them as they push their way through the crowd and not until Lexa no longer can make out their heads among the rest does she turn around. Costia's eyes attract Lexa's and when they connect a wave of warmth runs through Lexa's muscles._

_In the corner of her eye she sees the bartender lean over the counter, in front of him there's another round of drinks. Lexa looks at him in surprise and he shrugs his shoulders._

_“I like my girls stone-cold and clumsy too”, he explains and winks at Costia before pushing the drinks towards them._

_Costia laughs and folds her arms around Lexa’s neck. “Having fun yet?”, she asks._

_“Almost deadly”, Lexa replies with a roll of her eyes._

_“I believe you”._

_She takes a big sip of her beer and watches as Costa tastes her whiskey sour and then hums approvingly to the taste. A small and gentle smile fills up Lexa's mouth. When Costia's arms have returned to her neck Lexa clasps her hands behind her girlfriend’s back, thinking that nothing compares to this - to the ultimate feeling of safety._

_\--_

_The lock opens with a clicking sound as the key is turned. Lexa steps in and immediately pulls off her coat, kicking off her shoes as she makes her way further into the apartment. She turns halfway in to walk backwards until she stumbles against the bed and lets herself fall onto it. Costia´s following in her steps, tidying up as she goes, careful to place both of their pair of shoes beside the hanger stand, but stops with her right hand still on the handle after she's closed the door._

_Lexa lets her eyes follow the length of Costia´s body up and down, with a few drinks in her system her heart drums happily in her chest._

_“You had fun. Just admit it”, Costia teases and steps back to lean against the door._

_Without thinking Lexa scoffs. Yet not without keeping her eyes on the other girl. Then she stands back up, her feet slightly rounded but far from unsteady, hands reaching down to the hem of her shirt. With slow fingers she unbuttons the last button, then the second last, the third, fourth and so on until she unbuttons the top button. Costia hitches her eyebrow at the show, but her bottom lip is caught between her teeth, eyes shaded darker with that same deepness Lexa so often catches herself fall into. With gentle movements Lexa drapes off the shirt as she takes one step after another towards Costia, eyes fixed at her girlfriend's, she bundles the shirt together in her hands before dropping it at her side. Costia´s eyes flicker down to the shirt for a split second but quickly return to Lexa´s and Lexa smirks ever so lightly before licking her lips._

_“I'll show you fun”, Lexa replies as she leaps towards Costia and catches the yelping sound erupting from Costia´s throat with her lips as she presses them hard against her girlfriend´s._

_//_

_... I had never met someone who could infuriate Finn that fast before. Not until I met you. Oh you were something else, mostly stiff and just as fiery as he was, but whatever I may have thought in that very first moment of meeting you it changed as soon as I saw how your eyes lit up when you looked at her. Behind that stoic face you hid a love big enough to fill the room. I did not understand what that moment would lead to, where it would take us. I am so happy for that moment. Because I met you under all the wrong circumstances and you left so much more to desire, so much more for me to long for, to know, to hold, to understand. You still make me long for more, and now I long for time, time spent with you._

_I will always miss you when you are not in my arms._

_With all my heart  
your Clarke_

\-----

Her core aches with longing. Her heart beats fast and hard, on the verge of breaking out of her chest. She doesn't even realize until her hand is clutching to the phone. Pain shoots through her hand and she finally realizes how hard she's clutching to it. With much effort she forces her lungs to take a deep breath and in that split second when she's not inhaling or exhaling, nor holding her breath, the first signal goes through. 

It takes up to five before Lexa hears the familiar sound of Clarke's breathing on the other end.

_“Hey, you okay over there? It´s late”_ , the girl asks with a voice filled with sleep and Lexa laughs quietly, tears breaking through and quickly dancing down her cheeks. She listens to the quiet between them for a moment, listens and feels the change in her body, almost as if the quiet says all the things her body would if Clarke was here with her. But it's not enough, so she takes another breath and licks her lips.

“I love you”.


	2. Letter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one when Lexa´s getting on Clarke´s nerves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hi, how are you doing? I know it´s been a while but here it is, a new chapter. A little update, these coming chapters are probably going to be around a few thousand words each, which hopefully will allow me to update more often. Let me know what you think of this chapter and feel free to yell at me on Tumblr. Kisses - Em

_Letter 2_

_Good morning baby. Or afternoon. I bet you are reading this after work, which means it is probably close to midnight. You are always running on too little sleep and too much caffeine. You have never been a nine-to-five kind of girl and that work of yours is going to be the death of you one day. Still I know you love what you do, so I will not hold it against you. Even though I am most definitely hating this distance at the moment. Every moment._

_Anyway, how was your day? Don't tell me… busy, chaotic and you wanted to strangle your new assistant? I cannot believe Anya did not let Indra come with you, that woman must be getting some weird pleasure out of putting every imaginable obstacle in your path. No matter what though, I know for a fact that you are kicking some serious ass with or without any help._

_However, speaking of obstacle… I could not help myself from not looking through our hard drive today, and yes I found that video of us dancing to Dancing Queen, even though I am not sure you could call it dancing. After some nostalgic reminiscing I stumbled upon one of Raven's folders, she must have forgotten to erase all of her stuff after she borrowed the hard drive when her computer crashed last year. She is going to die of laughter when she sees these pictures. And most likely frame some of them just to annoy you. Oh do not dare to smirk. If I remember correctly, and I do, you did not like her or her camera back then, less than you do now actually…_

_//_

_It's official, Lexa misses home and it´s only the first day. Looking over her schedule for the coming weeks a grunt erupts from her throat. It´s not even that she isn't looking forward to the classes she's signed up for, they don't even sound half bad, but it´s the amount of them that bothers her. It doesn't leave much else to do and after the two years she's spent without anything holding her down to a schedule this is a bit overwhelming. Then there's also the obvious factor - at home there´s Costia. It hasn't even been twenty four hours and Lexa already misses her. More than that she misses the safety of having her here. Costia´s mere presence has been constant in her life up until this point and even though they made the conscious decision to apply to different colleges the distance wasn't something Lexa ever looked forward to._

_She finishes her coffee and puts the cup in the sink, filling it up with hot water before leaving. With the bag hitched up on her shoulder, heavy enough to make her feel more or less grounded, she leaves the apartment building._

_It´s the official first day of classes. Walking through campus she passes more faces than she has this whole time in Washington, none of them close to familiar to her. That´s what you get by spending every possible minute in your apartment. Costia sure made her aware of the stupidity of doing so, yet again she didn't complain for long after Lexa purposely made her complain about something completely different. Getting that apartment was the best diction thus far. Still, it would have been nice to not feel like a lost puppy all on her own. It´s a little dreadful, although she won't ever own up to it._

_First on the agenda, sociology. It happens to be one of the few classes she has been looking forward to. The two years abroad definitely taught her to appreciate different cultures and societies, it also intrigued her to learn more and get the chance to put the things she's seen into some good use._

_Entering the west wing of the main building she is once again overwhelmed by the number of people rushing back and forth. Although she has to shuffle her way through the crowd it doesn't take her long to find the right door, B14. The lecture-hall is grand and intimidating. Not to mention the woman clad in a navy blue suit pacing back and forth in front of the blackboard, talking calmly into her phone while the poor guy sitting in a chair slightly behind her taking notes. By the looks of it, he must be the TA._

_This is for real. It finally sinks into Lexa that this, this is it. There's not another trip, not just one more mountain or sunrise, not another day of living for the moment. To be perfectly honest, this day was predestined even though she did all she could to push it forward. Two years. That is what she got and now she'll have to live up to expectations._

_A sigh escapes her and she swallows hard. She should not be ungrateful, she's not, but this is not what she wanted. She never wanted any of this._

_As a group of people push past her she makes her way up the stairs and slides into one of the middle seats. It doesn't take long until the seats are filled and the woman in blue talks with a low voice to the guy still sitting in his chair, his hand still moving effortlessly almost over the notebook without his eyes straying from the woman´s face. He looks young, younger than Lexa even. He must be some kind of genius, she decides, if he´s TA for this class._

_She busies herself with doodling on in the marginal of the open page in front of her, she's never been good at anything creative. It's not in her blood. Archery and fencing, that however is something she could do blindfolded at the age of thirteen, which she did once after her brother had dared her. Still, there was something captivating in art that made her heart tremble. Sports never did that for her, all it gave her was adrenaline and bruises. It must have been one of the reasons why she fell for Costia, that woman couldn't keep her hands or mind still for longer than short moments before both started creating. The first time Lexa heard her play those messy chords on her beat up guitar and simply mumbled along, it wasn't even the right lyrics, she fell deadpan._

_When her green eyes clear from the fog of the momentary haze of memories they fix at the doodle. It resembles the family crest after a few strokes and she quickly buries it with more than enough ink. Even if she has made it her mission to not to think of it, it´s always there. You can't escape your faith, her father had told her when she worked for him that summer after senior year and since that day she was determined to try. She tried for two years. She got two years, then reality caught up to her and now here she is, doodling circles and lines until they all look the same. Until her unconscious thoughts have spilled onto paper for her to see. She'll never escape._

_She is tossed back to reality by a slight cough by her side and her head jerks up, eyes landing on blonde hair and ocean blue eyes._

_“Is this seat taken?”._

_It´s the girl from the bar, Lexa remembers her. Or, she remembers those blue penetrating eyes. Her own scan through the rows below them, they are all filled up, before she looks back up at the blonde._

_“It is now”, she answers and scoots over a few inches to give the girl some more room._

_Her eyes find their way back to the doodle, or more the now black spot on her otherwise empty page, her stomach turns slowly as the thought settles somewhere within her. Although, she can feel those blue eyes on her. It´s a creeping feeling moving up her spine, leaving her to once again look over to her right and surely, blue meets her green._

_Once Lexa looks fully at her, she notices the light behind that blue, it's dimmed but clearly there. The blonde licks her lips, her tongue barely gracing those pink lips, fingers moving to open her own notebook. “I don't know if you remember me-”, she starts and Lexa interrupts her._

_“I do”._

_It is now those blue eyes look away from her, the creeping feeling leaving Lexa´s body almost immediately. “I´m sorry for what happened. Finn can get a bit aggressive. He has a problem with people talking back at him, it´s not of his best traits”_

_Lexa drags for a short breath, with lips quirking up in a smirk. “He has more than one problem”, she replies and focuses her gaze on the empty lines of her paper. The word leave her tongue with ease and without her thinking twice about it, why should she, she's always been told to be more blunt. Perhaps not like this, but hey she's working on it._

_It's quiet. Not really. But it is. Because the blonde doesn't answer. Lexa feels pleased with herself, even though she knows it was unnecessary of her to say it. It´s the complete opposite of what Costia would have done and Lexa imagine the brunette shaking her head at her, causing that smile to grow even bigger._

_“It's not hard to see why it went like it did”, comes the answer from the blonde and Lexa is actually surprised by it, her eyes shooting up to find a tense jaw and anger spilling out of the corners of those blue eyes._

_Lexa leans back, arms crossing over her chest. The wood behind her is chilling and her hands rub absentmindedly over her arms as a reflex. “And why is that?”._

_“You're a jerk”. The blonde shrugs her shoulders, eyes wandering down to Lexa´s arms for a moment before they fixate at her eyes. “No offence”._

_“None taken, I'm not the one dating that man-child”._

_Fury sparks in that blue and Lexa can't help but smirk once again. The blonde one opens her mouth to answer, but for a second time she is interrupted. This time not by Lexa._

_“Ladies! Got something you´d like to share with the rest of the class or may I begin this lecture”, the voice demands attention and Lexa almost jumps out of her own skin at the tone. Too familiar._

_It is only now that Lexa realizes that they've interrupted the class, completely missing what the professor have said._

_She quickly straightens up and grabs a hold of the pen again. “Apologies”._

_The woman eyes them both, with a particularly irritated furrow between her eyes and her lips a stiff line on her face, before letting her gaze wander off as she turns back towards the black board. “Welcome to…”._

_Lexa tries her hardest to listen, she really does, but the most part of her concentration is focused on the girl next to her and that slowly fading blush of anger on her neck. The creeping feeling crawls under her skin, causing the hair on her arms to stand._

_It's official, Lexa misses home._

_\--_

_Class ends with a heavy sigh._

_The syllabus promised a few too many nights of reading than Lexa would have wanted and she wasn't the only one that squirmed in her seat when their professor presented it to them. On the other hand, it did keep her mind preoccupied. She didn't look over to her side to see the reaction of the blonde one. In fact, Lexa didn´t spare the girl a second thought after the syllabus landed in front of her._

_Now, when the professor who introduced herself as Mrs. Tally, declares the class to be finished everyone scrambles onto their feet. It´s only the first class of the day and Lexa already feels like throwing in the towel and return to hiding in her apartment. She won't though. A promise is a promise and she has never been one to back out. As the rest of the students in her row line up to exit she finally looks over to her right, the blonde is gone. It's almost disappointing. Apart from Lexa´s coffee this morning, the blonde girl with ocean blue eyes was quite enjoyable. At least winding her up that is._

_Lexa follows the line down the rows towards the exit absentmindedly, busy shoving her things back down her bag. In the back of her head she has already made up a list of pages she needs to finish for tomorrow, alongside that Skype conference with her parents that her that insisted on having. The fact that he called it a conference set the tone and Lexa has been preparing herself for it since the day she got to Washington. She can already hear his voice, telling her that this is it and this is life._

_It is in your blood. That is what he would have said, over and over again if she even attempted at rolling her eyes. She can't help it, it has become a habit. Just thinking of those words makes her do it. Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she would have had a brother, an older brother that is, age difference wouldn't have mattered to her father, all he wanted and still wants is a successor. Still, if she would have had an older sibling, how would that have changed things. Maybe she'd still be sitting on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean or walked through Rome for a hundredth time. Maybe she would have had it easier to simply live, and harder to connect to the rest of her extended family. God knows, she isn't the only one being dragged into this._

_She jumps back, her heart thumping heart against her ribcage, knocking her elbow against the doorframe sending pain up her arm and through her shoulder. That is going to bruise. She hisses at the numbing sensation in her arm and the pain travelling back down her shoulder blade. Her eyes clench shut for a split second, while she breathes in through her nose, pushing back the tears that conveniently enough rushes to the surface. It´s the chock. She should've been more aware of her surroundings._

_Or, maybe the girl standing in front her could have been a little less in the way._

_When she opens her eyes, her green finds a pair of brown. The owner of those brown eyes has almost hair dark as a raven and in her hands she holds a camera. “You okay?”._

_Lexa breathes out slowly, the pain subsiding somewhere along her spine. As she takes another look at the girl, her eyes are drawn to her left, almost like magnets, they past another girl with even darker hair and then they fixate at those blue eyes again. Of course. The blonde wears an amused look on her face._

_“Excuse me”, Lexa snarls as she turns her full attention to the girl with the camera, the camera that flashed bright just a moment ago and made her jump in the first place. The girl raises her eyebrows in response, but takes a step to the side. Lexa brushed past her, careful to keep her eyes forward but in the corner of her eye she sees the blonde pull a smirk._

_“What´s up with her?”, Lexa hears someone ask behind her and there's no doubt in her mind that the person in question isn't asking about her._

_“She's got a stick up her ass. I can see it sticking out her backside”, another answers and laughter spills from more than one mouth in return._

_//_

_… it is quite unbelievable that we managed to not kill each other in the beginning. Although your harsh exterior, I saw something in you, something I had not seen before and perhaps that is why I was so drawn to you. God knows, it was not your charm that drew me in. Even though that was the reason I stayed. One of the reasons anyway. I think it is funny looking back at all of that now, it might be because I have seen all the other sides of you and I love every single one of them, no matter how great or annoying they are._

_Not a single day goes by without me wondering what would have happened if we would have chosen differently, even right there in the beginning. Every imaginable version of reality lacks that one thing. Passion. For life. For love. For every single new day to come spent longing for more. I understand that this distance keeps us apart, but nothing can keep me from your side._

_You never stray from my thoughts, love._

_With all my heart_  
your Clarke  



	3. Letter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one when we learn some of Lexa´s history

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look at that a new chapter. If you´re still reading this thank you, hope you enjoy and shoot me a comment of what you think.

_Letter 3_

_Dear Lexa.  
You are sleeping next to me as I am writing this, snoring quietly, pressed to my side with my waist in a death grip. Your face is calm. There are no traces of stress over your forehead, nor any tension in your jaw. I rarely see you as peaceful as you are in your sleep, you carry so much stress around all day every day. Even on those days when we have nothing else to do than to be with each other I still see the heaviness in your eyes. For as long as I have known you I have seen that in you. In the beginning of our relationship I feared it, feared that the worry you carried with you would stand in the way of us. With time I realized that your ambition was a part of who you were, a fundamental part of you…._

_\--_

_It's been three weeks. Three weeks of studying until her head hangs heavy on her neck. Three weeks of falling asleep with the bitter taste of longing on the tip of her tongue. Well, the taste of longing, bitterness and paper from wetting her thumb to flip the next page for hours. Three weeks and she's counting the days, one after another but they don't seem to get any fewer. Costia is just as frustrated, perhaps out of sympathy. The other woman has always been better with distance and pouring herself into whatever needs to be done in the absence of being able to do what_ she _wants to do. Lexa admires that about her, her ability to focus, not that Lexa is incapable of doing just that, it's just easier for Costia._

_It's been three weeks and Lexa is ready to explode._

_Although, that wouldn't make anything easier._

_She's not one to give in. Not one to five up a good fight. Every decision she's made up until this point has been made in the shadow of struggle. Her mind has never been emptied of thoughts of upholding the legacy that comes with the name her father gave her. That same name that she fled, if only momentarily. Lexa knew that she'd return at one point or another. She might never have asked to be who she is,_ what _she is, but running away from that would not change anything. Being a ‘Woods’ meant more than blood, it was honour, just like her father taught her and his father before him. For more than eight generations has those words been passed down, alongside the ancient saying that gave life to the first Woods who claimed ownership of his own life in a time when people owned people._

_Blood must have blood._

_That saying echoes through Lexa’s bones. Like a constant reminder of her heritage. Of all the things expected by her. She's in never ending debt to her name, much like her family would want her to remember. The name she was given at birth was chosen for the purpose of grounding her, keep her contacted to her ancestors, to_ ancestor _\- Alexander Woods._

_It's in her blood. Engraved in her bones._

_She won't give up._

_Her day to day life has turned into arranging Skype calls, studying until her eyes hurt and arguing with Clarke Griffin. Well, arguing isn't the right word. It's more like passive aggressive bickering. Lexa must have done something awful in her previous life to deserve this. She would have been fine with the blonde girl and the fascination she developed with her, from a distance._

_This however, is not something she wants to have to deal with._

_For their first assignment in their sociology class their professor split the class up in pairs and assigned them all individual topics. Maybe she has a taste for revenge, it could also just have been coincidence but neither of them sure didn't think so, because it so happened that they were paired with each other. Much to neither of their liking._

_Somehow they managed to agree to meet and get started with the assignment just two days later. Not that Lexa was particularly busy and was unable to fit their meeting into her day, the matter of the fact is that the blonde´s infuriating behaviour takes at least 48 hours to prepare for. Well, no not really. Although Lexa didn't disagree when Clarke suggested that they would meet at the library that Friday._

__This _Friday._

_Lexa´s green eyes glance over at the clock hanging on her bedroom wall. Twenty minutes. A sigh fills up the room and she rubs at her temples. All she asks for is that it goes smoothly so that she can get back to finishing up the rest of the work for the week before eight o'clock when she's supposed to Skype with Costia. It's date night and that's bad enough as it is, add additional time spent in the same room as the blonde and Lexa´s day is getting worse by the minute._

_\--_

_She still hasn't figured out what it´s with the blonde, blue eyed woman that infuriates and interests her at the same time. Perhaps just that: the fact that she makes Lexa want to know more,_ understand _more._

_Lexa meets up with Clarke in the library_

_“A sophomore gave me a reference that looked really good”. Lexa looks up from her laptop, eyes quickly noticing the frown on the other girl´s face as she drags her finger over her notepad. “This one”, she continues and underlines the row she's paused at, then she shoves the notepad over to Lexa´s side of the table._

_The green eyed girl takes notice of the reference; one she hasn't stumbled upon herself when she prepared for this meeting. “I will check if it's reliable”, she answers, eyes already returning to the laptop screen._

_“I already did. It's the real deal”, the blonde says and snags her notepad back._

_Those green eyes snap up, a blue pair doesn´t meet them. “Alright”, she says. “I´ve outlined the structure, I´ll email it to you, and I took the liberty to start the analysis”, she continues which causes the blonde to look up._

_“With what?”, the other girl questions. “We've only just found a handful of references, we don't have enough material”._

_“I found some of my own. They're listed on the last page. We've got enough”, Lexa explains without looking up, eyes fixed at the screen and the sentence she´s working on._

_Clarke huffs. Audibly so. Enough for the green eyed woman to watch her from out of the corner of her eye. The blonde has an unreadable expression on her face, but that quickly changes into a smile as those blue eyes wander to the side._

_“So this is where you're hiding”, comes a voice before Lexa catches two women come walking towards the table. She recognizes them, the ones that waited outside the lecture hall on her first day. She remembers the way they laughed over her._

_Lovely, she thinks for herself and sighs._

_“Hiding isn't the word I´d use”, the blonde replies._

_A silence presents itself. The only sound is coming from Lexa´s computer as she taps away on the keyboard. The silence doesn't last long, but during it´s time the green eyed woman catches the way the three other women exchange looks._

_“Anyway, let us know when you're done, we're going out tonight”, the third woman says and drags her companion with her away from the table._

_“What a surprise”, Clarke replies with a mouthful of laughter. “I´ll text you”._

_\--_

_They call it after another three hours. Or more like Lexa asks for a break, because her vision is blurry from staring so closely at her screen, and Clarke votes for quitting while they're still on the same page. How they manage to not go at each other's throats during that time is a wonder. Lexa pulls out her phone as she gets her stuff ready to go, the digital clock informs her that it´s 8.30 pm. On the dot. She also has a notification of two new text messages waiting for her in her inbox, probably from Costia since she´s missed their date. She doesn´t open them, too tired to deal with it when she could just get home and do it face to face instead. Well, screen to screen since that is her life nowadays._

_The fact that she's late to their date night_ and _still hasn't finished the work she planned on causes her mind to run wild._

_She might just have to disappoint Costia tonight and deal with herself._

_The green eyed woman´s steps are heavy as they leave their table in the library and she tries her best to crack the tension out of her limbs while walking. The sound her neck does when she cracks it sends shivers down her spine._

_“So… should we do this again on Monday?”, Clarke asks as she types something on her phone, not looking up until she´s done. Lexa opens her mouth to answer when her eyes turn to the blonde, the frown in between those blue orbs shuts her mouth closed. Instead she walks ahead and opens the door for the other woman. It´s something in that frown, or rather the emotion in her eyes, something that resonates in herself. Once Clarke does look up they have stepped outside the entrance and are standing in the approaching nightfall._

_“I believe we should make use of the momentum”, then answers and Clarke nods._

_Those blue eyes flicker down to the phone in her hand, she huffs and shakes her head before shoving the device down her pocket of her brown leather jacket without replying._

_“I agree”, the blonde says, her hands now occupied with adjusting the strap of her shoulder bag. “Same time? Same place?”._

_“It´s a date”, the phrase falls of Lexa´s tongue without a thought and she catches the way the blonde's eyebrows shoot up, confused or perhaps even shocked, before she offers Lexa the smallest of smiles._

_“You bet”._

_\--_

_…. you should know that I did not see it coming. You. Or us. All of it hit me with such a surprise I had to look back at days like that one we planned that first assignment we were handed. I tried to see the signs, signs that I should have noticed but did not. Only I did not find any. Not even when you strayed from your normal behaviour. I did not suspect a thing. Perhaps that is how it was supposed to be. Unsuspected. You are snoring, just so you know. I am struggling to not immortalize it, like you would say, with my phone so that you can no longer argue that I am lying. I probably will not do it. Just know that I could and I will not. I love you._

_Remember that. Always._

_With all my heart  
your Clarke_


	4. Letter 4

Letter 4

_Dear Lexa.  
I miss you. You are here, walking around the house with your tight sweatpants on that allows me to follow every curve of your hips with my eyes and I know that I miss you. Not in this moment as I am writing this, but when you are reading it I will be missing you. It probably sounds cliché, but it is true. I miss you. All the time. When you are not here with me it feels like a part of me is missing. You are walking around the house with your earphones on, your hair is up in a messy bun and with every other step you take you dance a little to the music. It is the child in you whom has decided to dance around our apartment in those tight pants this morning and I miss you. _

_For a long time I did not believe that I would get this. That I would be this infinitely happy. You and your silliness make me happy. Not to mention the looks you give me, those knowingly glances. I know for a fact that you swing your hips just a little lower to tease me, because you know that my eyes are fixed on you. Some say that love should not be this good, that it needs to be hard for it to last in the long run, and I think they are right. We have not had it easy, not now or before it was us either. You are dancing in our apartment and I cannot help but to think of how happy you used to be, when you were someone else´s. When I was someone else´s…_

_\--_

_“What's that sound?”._

_“The rain. It´s pouring outside.” She walks off screen, merely her shadow still visible for the green-eyed girl. The sound is a loud, pattering one, that has been going on and on during their conversation. It´s not bothering her per say, but when Costia tells her it´s because of the rain Lexa´s gaze immediately shifts to her own window. It´s a calm day. The sun is shining, with no rain or clouds for as long as her eye can see. The sting in her chest hurts, more than she´d like to recognize. It´s sun, but it´s rain where Costia is. “It looks like the heaven has opened and all the angels are crying”, Costia says from a distance._

_Lexa shakes her head, a tender smile lingering on her lips and the hurt in her chest. “You have always been one for the dramatics.”_

_Costia reappears, now wearing a smug smile on her face. “What would life be without a bit of drama,” she answers sarcastically._

_Lexa watches as the brown eyed girl takes her seat again and her sweet face fills up the screen. The rain is loud and the sunshine has fallen through the window to warm her hand, and she misses her. By god, she misses everything about Costia and their life._

_“Easy,” Lexa says and the smile on her lips quickly vanishes because her thoughts are already blackened by the mere inkling of a thought towards something far more dramatic than Costia and her sayings._

_“Hey,” Costia calls for her attention, proudly showing of a gentler smile. “I could come visit you.”_

_“Cos-”_

_“Before you say anything, I'm not sure I can yet, I still got to figure out when and how and all of that so…”_

_“So I shouldn´t get my hopes up”, Lexa interrupts and Costia sighs nodding._

_“Right.”_

_She shakes her head slowly with a frown. “They won´t allow it,” Lexa states and leans back in her chair, her arms already crossed over her chest because of the subject of their conversation._

_“Who? My mom? If I ace this semester she'll probably by me the plane ticket herself,” Costia tells her, but Lexa is still frowning. The green eyes girl watches as her girlfriends bites her lip and then sighs. “He doesn't have to know.”_

_“Yet, somehow, he always does.”_

_“It´s your life, Lexa.”_

_“You keep saying that._ I _keep telling myself that, but I'm here am I not? Just like he set out for me to be.” The look on Costia’s face says it all - she knows that what Lexa´s saying has more truth than either of them would like. “He'll know,” Lexa claims and truly, she believes that somehow he'll know. For all she knows he could already be aware of their discussion on the matter, because he of all people have the awful ability of being one step ahead of her most of the time._

_Costia runs her hands through her long brown hair, once, then twice and by the third time her fingers touches her head the frustration has stained the skin of her neck red. “I don't give two fucks whether Titus knows or not,” she says and Lexa believes her, she´d be foolish not to. The gods know, she wouldn't care either if she had a choice in the matter. “I just want to see you,” Costia continues and it's more of a plea than anything else, like she's asking for permission to miss her._

_Lexa looks at her, at the screen. Costia is there, but at the same time she´s not and that's what hurts Lexa the most. She wants to say yes. Scream it even, loud and clear so even the rain quiets in comparison. She won´t, because the reality isn't that simple. When it comes down to it she understands that she made a choice, to honour her father´s wishes and the expectations that he held for her._

_Her phone suddenly buzzes, drawing her attention away from the computer screen. She picks up the phone to find a new message. When she´s read it she scoffs and locks the phone once again._

_“Who is it?”_

_“Clarke. She wants to work on the assignment,” she tells her girlfriend with her gaze returning to the screen and Costia´s face._

_“Right this minute?” Lexa nods and Costia smiles. A moment passes with that smile still on her lips and her brown eyes locked on Lexa, then Costia exhales deeply. “You should go.”_

_“What? No. We can meet up tomorrow,” Lexa replies._

_“Lex.” Not only is her nickname said with a serious tone, but the face Costia makes is serious as well. “You need to go,” the green-eyed girl´s girlfriend tells her, followed by a gentle smile._

_Lexa has never been able to say no to that face_

_\--_

_The library has become their place. Neutral ground one could say. Which was nice - to not have to invade each other's life all that much. Even their seats had become their special ones. Lexa always sit facing the door, causally aware of every single person who enters and leaves, while Clarke´s crawled into the corner so that she can balance her chair back against the shelfs. Between them on display are the many drafts they've written and commented throughout the project._

_They don't talk much, usually they get through the pleasantries the first half hour and then it´s all work. Lexa has learned though to spot the signs, those little things the blonde those before she makes the choice not to speak. Like when she´s read on of the drafts, particularly those with Lexa´s notes on, then she smiles a little and a second later her jaw tenses up. The green-eyed woman doesn't know what to do with that, what to read that smile as, but the silence that follows is clear._

_So, when it´s not quiet, for whatever reason, she's very much aware of it. For the last two hours they've been at the library she´s listened to the blonde twist and turn in her seat and sigh. Which has drawn the attention of that green gaze to herself and more times than not has Lexa caught her staring at her phone, or unlocking it only to lock it again. When Clarke slumps forward, the chair once again standing steady on the ground, to however over her phone Lexa´s eyes are already on her. Lexa watches how she bites her lip, unlocks her phone and swipes at random directions without much focus to then lock it again. As Clarke put the phone down again on the table next to her computer, her blue gaze flicker up to the computer screen but as if drawn by Lexa´s awaiting gaze blue meets green. Clarke bats her eyes and leans forward to focus on the computer._

_“Something's bothering you,” Lexa finds herself claiming._

_“I´m fine. What do you think of this paragraph?” the blonde replies and angels the laptop so Lexa can see which one she´s talking about._

_“It´s alright. It´s good.” She can appreciate Clarke´s attempt to keep their relationship strictly professional, but her current mood has got Lexa intrigued. “What's wrong?” she asks, closing her own laptop as she does so to emphasize that the blonde now has her full attention._

_Clarke laughs, hollowly almost, and raises her brow in doubt. “You're not really interested so can we just drop it,” she tells Lexa. Yet, Lexa keeps her gaze steady and fast on the blonde. Unwavering. With an every so small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth as encouragement. A beat passes by and with it the green-eyed woman can see it change, how the blonde makes the decision to let her guard down. “It´s Finn,” she says and Lexa immediately rolls her eyes. She doesn't necessarily mean to, but it happens and Clarke laughs. This time her laughter isn´t hollow, but joyful, for whatever reason. Which makes it hard for Lexa not to let that smile fill up her lips. “Don´t.”_

_She shrugs her shoulders and leans back with her arms crossed over her chest. “I didn't say anything.”_

_“You thought it.” Lexa scoffs. She's right of course - she did think and none of those thoughts that spurred to her mind were far from pleasant. “It's hard sometimes,” Clarke then continues. It's the most honest and open she has been and it resonates deep within the green-eyed woman._

_“I know.”_

_Lexa doesn't even recognize that she's said anything before Clarke closes her laptop._

_“How long have you two been together?” the blonde asks._

_“Officially? Three years.”_

_“And unofficially?”_

_The warmth that spreads through her body has undeniably coloured her cheeks red. A warm and bright red. Lexa smiles, a goofy and childish one as the memories of Costia and herself plays before her eyes. Of them as young kids, much too young to understand what love was or meant. Yet, somehow they felt it. Perhaps you don’t need to understand emotion to feel it, even at a young age._

_“We grew up together,” she tells the blonde. “I don't remember a time when I didn't love her. One day we were friends and the next we were a couple.”_

_“That sounds nice.”_

_“It is,” she answers, but as the memories from all that time ago fade so does the warmth and before she can stop herself she catches herself thinking that it was. That it _was_ nice, when all they had to do was be and love. When the world hadn´t become that big just yet. It was nice and that scares her._

_“You’re lucky. Some don't have a best friend to fall in love with,” Clarke tells her and there´s something to the way she says it that makes Lexa frown. “I’m serious.”_

_They look at each other, perhaps a moment longer than necessary. The blonde is elusive, still Lexa believes her. Believes that the blonde wouldn't ask questions unless she was interested in the answers. She´d like to ask her why, why she decided to expand their relationship to something more than what it´s been. Honestly, she´d like to ask many questions so that she may possibly understand the woman before her._

_Before she has time to formulate thoughts into words Clarke yawns, long and hidden behind the palm of her hand._

_“Let´s call it a night, yeah?” Lexa says and rises from the table. She collects her things and shuffles them into her bag, but as she turns to leave a hand falls upon her shoulder._

_“Hey wait,” Clarke tells her and when Lexa turns quickly realizes how close they are. Close enough for her to spot the signs of far from enough sleep under the thin layer of makeup around the blonde's eyes. “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”_

_Lexa shakes her head. She rarely has plans, other than those that involve Costia, but she works most Fridays. “What do you have in mind?”_

_Clarke leads her towards the exit, walking close enough for their arms to brush against each other every now and then. “We're going out, Rae, O and I. Have you met Octavia's brother? Anyways he´s in a fraternity and they're throwing a party,” she explains._

_“Okay.”_

_“You should come with us,” Clarke then says._

_The green-eyed woman stops as the reach the doors. She can hear Costia´s voice in her head, telling her to say yes. When she looks over at the blonde she´s met by a small genuine smile. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to get to know the blonde, now when the opportunity has presented itself and all._

_So she nods and replies, “text me the details,” before she opens the door and they say their goodbyes._

_\--_

_… I knew back then that that conversation was a stepping stone to something bigger. Over the years I have learned that the walls you put up are there because you believe that they protect the things you love. The people you love. I want you to know that you do not need any walls no more. No one and nothing could take me away from you. I am in this. I will fight for us. For you. We have come too far to not last forever. You are it for me, today, tomorrow and for as long as you will have me._

_Alexandria, I am yours._

_With all my heart  
your Clarke_

**Author's Note:**

> find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com


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